extraordinarily normal

Sean is laughing so infectiously that I can't help smiling. and the amount of joy in his eyes now could supply the neighborhood. Will likes to tickle my feet in the morning. he also says that I'm so cool. snow is expected. I fall asleep with the light on. I like to believe that it reminds my husband that he's loved and missed when he comes home late from work.

there are moments in a person's life, scarce and frail, when you realize how good and pleasant life is when you slow down and delight in the little things that occasionally sprinkle your day with beauty and inspiration. when you don't strive to live up to your own expectations. when you stroke your child's hair. and learn how to really love him. when everything is extraordinarily normal.

place de la Concorde

venturing beyond my comfort zone

I had no errands to run, no friends to join for lunch. only the thought of a couple of hours alone in the city blending temptingly with the opportunity to take photos with my new camera. I felt awkward, elated and tired and came back home with only a couple of Polaroid pictures. but the ideas, the little finds, the experiments while walking down the Seine. venturing beyond my comfort zone, and allowing my creativity to soar.

it just felt so good.

something better than sunshine

nothing had prepared me for this.

how strangely my son's face darkened. screaming, crying. a shadow of anger hovering over the once happy soul. the little boy shutting more doors and building taller barriers every day. and claiming that nobody loves him.

after a while you stop asking for answers and instant band aids. you acknowledge your own limits, your inadequacies. and simply see how things go, and respond accordingly. you begin each day with a silent prayer. you try to experience true happiness in new places. light, familiar voices, the smell of fresh coffee. splendors of ordinary life concealed in simple pleasures and revealed by the delicate sense of awareness that we are blessed with when we mother, are sick or face adversity.

and one night you put your child to bed and something better than sunshine brightens the quiet room. you look into his eyes. and see nothing but appreciation, and love.

bus 123

happy end

I realize. sometimes, no matter how frustrating it is, I need to pull myself back from all the things I can live without, including the one thing I really want to be, and give my sons my undivided attention, my unconditional love.

I used to feel very guilty and conflicted about this, often seeking improbable ways to a more creative, satisfying life while ignoring what probably is my greatest source of inspiration. I know now that I can stop for a while without giving it all up, without losing my true identity. that being a good mother and a good writer are the dearest wishes of my heart. and that to believe I can have both is the first step toward that happy end.

self portrait challenge - resolution

take pictures every day. 

every time I peel the negative off the print I am overwhelmed with dread. a daunting, pervasive fear of disappointment that is inhibiting my desire to be more creative, to experiment, to just be. yet I am now ready to give myself the space to grope for the light, to stumble, bump into walls and step on sharp edges. so that I can learn. be surprised. and not afraid of trying. again, and again. and again.

more Self Portrait Challenge here.

embracing 2007

the most perfect gift ever

we didn't have a merry little Christmas this year. yet we savored quieter moments that simultaneously illuminated and deepened our profound affection for our family and lounge pajamas. and highlighted the joys that life can yield. no matter the circumstances. no matter the puke.

"because I really believe you could become a good photographer" my husband said on Christmas Eve while giving me the 1967 Polaroid Land Camera he'd found on Ebay. he also included films and extra batteries, not only satiating my love for instant photography but also giving me permission to suck. and the wonderful opportunity to wander where I like, to have fun and learn more about myself.

and this was truly the most perfect gift ever.

especially when he's doing the dishes