school picture

Sean and Will's school pictures form has 8 different packages available, including calendars and key chains options. I think I need some aspirin now. but I look at it once in a while and it's here again. the gratitude. the love. and fear simmers down. yet today I've failed. I yelled, threatened and blackmailed. I smacked my forehead with disbelief and curled up in bed as guilt barged in. I even mentioned Santa. and his cellphone number. twice. God, I feel bad about that one.

almost like Christmas

sometimes you grasp at straws and life is a lot like trying to eat soup with a fork. and sometimes the kids jump on the bed in the morning showering you with giggling and cuddling and you fall in love with them all over again.

Sunday in momsterland. introducing our 3 year-old artificial tree.

by the way. I not only suck at shopping. I also suck at Christmas tree decorating.

November 26, 2005

healing for damaged emotions

today it snowed. not much. and for just about a few minutes. little flakes blazing winter with ephemeral pure and simple. and illuminating my sons' faces with 600 different kinds of smiles.

I put the book down and cried for 10 minutes.

the truth about my life. harsh, imperfect and ludicrous. an alcoholic father, conditional love and a frazzled, happy, scarred little girl wallowing in distorted memories. years have elapsed and I've ignored and disparaged tragedies as if keeping the drama walled off would scrape out the shame and pain. I've denied and wrestled with perfectionism, depression, anger, and lingering feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. always trying, but never quite achieving. but I understand now. the legacy of events of the past. why. how. who I am. little by little, everyday. acknowledging and accepting. little by little. forgiving and recovering. light glimmers. and I know. it will eventually break through the gloom.

self portrait challenge - exploration of identity

cringing and clinging. wrecking and reviving. devastating and redeeming. it eventually begins to dawn on me. adulthood. kids. life. life with you. the one sowing seeds of hurt into my little heart to fester. yet the only person in the world I can call whenever I'm running out of toilet paper. the father of my children. but I forget. that you need me. to wash your socks and clean your mess. but mostly. to stand by you when you are in doubt. I forget that you often weep in silence. and fear without shivering. I forget that you need me to love you. and to be your wife.

I do. love you.

I am. your wife.

thankful indeed

my first Thanksgiving, ever.

pumkin pies and Pavlova rolls.

cranberries. sweet potatoes. meatballs. Marshmallows. turkey.

and wonderful friends.

thankful indeed.

friday show and tell - Paris in red

sometimes I wish life were just as simple as that

momsterland

my husband drifting around the apartment jauntily asking me if he can help is causing local irritation. I know. the inference is clear. I am a bad wife. and my physical symptom is probably an involuntary confession of guilt.

I love being a stay-at-home mother. but wrestling with unanticipated stress, the annoyance of small things, little details, the whole ghastly gamut of emotions, I don't understand. I don't know why I can smooth out bumps, ease sibling rivalry, end a fight, laugh out loud, sing, concede, ignore the mess, hug and kiss yet I can not stay calm, have lunch with my kids, speak softly, embrace exuberance, give up, stand the noise, cook healthy and stay away from the computer. I feel great and I feel bad. I am complete and I am bored. my children fill my life with meaning. and they drive me crazy.

I love them.

I hate them.

I can't live without them.

another day in momsterland.

I usually hate Mondays

but this morning I've said no rather than yes and it changed everything. today we bought an apartment. almost. and then we did not. at all. sometimes it is better to let go of your dreams for a while. and envision your life as large as you really want to rather than pursuing decent with a loan. and drown with it. sometimes not having what you wish for is the only way to appreciate what you already have. sometimes it is better to wait. to learn. and dream. more.