healing for damaged emotions

today it snowed. not much. and for just about a few minutes. little flakes blazing winter with ephemeral pure and simple. and illuminating my sons' faces with 600 different kinds of smiles.

I put the book down and cried for 10 minutes.

the truth about my life. harsh, imperfect and ludicrous. an alcoholic father, conditional love and a frazzled, happy, scarred little girl wallowing in distorted memories. years have elapsed and I've ignored and disparaged tragedies as if keeping the drama walled off would scrape out the shame and pain. I've denied and wrestled with perfectionism, depression, anger, and lingering feelings of inadequacy and inferiority. always trying, but never quite achieving. but I understand now. the legacy of events of the past. why. how. who I am. little by little, everyday. acknowledging and accepting. little by little. forgiving and recovering. light glimmers. and I know. it will eventually break through the gloom.

Comments

[christina]

Three weeks? I cannot imagine three weeks of single parenting... You are so strong.And the porocess of locating grief--it's hard. Hard to even admit it's there--but you are brave and you are looking. You will find the answers, the peace, the solace you need..

[Heather]

Thanks for sharing and being so honest. I've read books like that and seen shows that touched me, turned a rock over and exposed some undelt with dirt. It's hard, you're not alone. I love the last line.

[mama_tulip]

I can relate with much of what you've written in this post. My childhood was marred by my mother's severe alcohol problem and my later years were completely overtaken by her lengthy battle with many illnesses and her eventual death from cancer. Like you have posted -- accepting and acknowledging the past, freeing it and truly moving on, to focus on your life, your love, your passions -- although extremely difficult, is to set yourself free.

[Marilyn]

I hear you, loud and clear. I've been dealing with a morass of emotions that feels like the worst sort of quaqmire-y ooze...and I can't figure out if I'm more angry about how it's dragging me down...or the fact that I'm STILL dealing with it. Big hugs to you.

[Vanessa_AR]

We definitely are products of our pasts. It's important that we forgive, yes, but it's impossible to forget.

[blackbird]

...you can do it
you will do it
you are doing it...

[SF Knitter]

Your posts make me so sad, because my mother raised me and my sister (who has severe cerebral palsy) while my father traveled for work sometimes for months at a time. I honestly don't know how she did it and I have no idea what to say to her about it. How can you possibly appreciate someone enough for something like that? Something so awful and so hard.

[la vie en rose]

beautiful. blessings on your journey...your journey into you, into acceptance, into the past, and into releasing...blessings on you...

[Connie]

I am so sorry for your pain. All I can say is that I have been there. The hurt is so bad that you don't know if you will ever breath regular again. Each day let go of some of the pain. You can't hold on to it...it is poison. You will eventually see light. It is most important that you learn to make your own joy even if it is just for moments a day. Build on that and before you know it life will seem kinda nice because you are happy with yourself.

Just speaking from personal experience. It really works.
Please hang in there!
Connie

[Joy]

I bloghop and frequently visit your blog but never leave a comment. Can't help to say something after reading this post. I admire your courage for being so honest to yourself.

Dont be too weary about the past. Let yourself be healed day by day. You are so blessed to have such adorable children. Live your best with them and let them be one of your strong posts to move on in life, scarred but whole and full of love. Children are children but they came to our lives with a purpose. Be strong and keep well!

[Steph.]

I just read this post today and it almost made me cry. I suddenly understood why I instantly felt a connection to your words, even though we lives miles apart and have such different lives. We share a lot in our pasts, though mine may not be as extreme as your own. And, we share a lot in our presents, trying to work through these things to see the truth, the person we've become, and love that person.

You are really a gift to the blog world, Irene. Don't ever forget it...

[lbm]

little by little, indeed. that's the hardest part to remember, for me, at least. ditto what blackbird wrote...