when the honeymoon is over

yesterday, my husband and I were walking in the neighborhood when I realized that we were not holding hands. was I offended? no. angry? no. did I want to hold his hand? I don't know. but then I was terrified by the fact that not holding hands in public places had become something meaningless. normal. acceptable. my husband and I aren't cuddling and smooching and giggling all the time anymore. we don't ask "please" and barely mean it when we say "thank you".  I need my space. he needs his Playstation. when we discuss important issues, I yell from the kitchen and he yells back from the bathroom. we don't argue. we state facts. romance is missing. lounging is ruling. but we still love each other. the honeymoon is over. fine. but what's next?

Comments

[MistressMary]

Hi Momster. I've been married for almost 25 years. I think it's really hard when you have little kids to focus on romance, but I also think it's important to try and have some special "couples only" time. There are times when my husband and I realize that we are falling into almost a business-type relationship, and we have to put some extra effort into remembering why we fell in love in the first place. But I'm at the opposite end of the child-rearing continuum. My kids will both be at college in the fall. Then we intend to have sex on the dining room table as often as possible.

[Seriously Steph.]

I so relate to what you are saying. My husband and I hit almost crises mode this past month. I haven't blogged about it because I haven't known what to say, or if it would upset him. Anyway, I think it is REALLY hard with young kids to not fall into that tag-team mentality--you watch the kids while I do this, then tag, you're it. And when you get into that thinking, a lot of the romance goes out the door. And, for me, I'm just plain exhausted many nights too.

I think the best thing you can do is what MistressMary just said--carve out time for just you two. Even if it is just one night a week, after the kids are in bed, as being your time to cuddle, watch TV together, talk, do a puzzle, or have romantic time. Nothing should interfere on that night...make it sacred. And when you are in the midst of the day-to-day, stop to tell him you love him and hold his hand. Chances are, he'll be happy you did and reciprocate and it'll get things going back in the direction you want them.

As you can tell, this is a very real subject for me right now, hence the long-windedness! Take care!

[Marilyn]

It happens to/with all couples. I think the best part is that moment when the lightfulb goes off...when you suddenly become aware that things are becoming a little unromantic...because that's when the planning for romance begins... :)

[beth]

Well put. I think about what you wrote a lot. LAtely When I have those thoughts I grab Dave's hand, even when it is totally awkward (like he has it in his pocket or he is holding some groceries. As to what's next? Well, now I just drop quarters in the back of his saggy jeans to remind him I am there. Oh wait. That's assuming your husband's sporting the plumber look (Is that way to much information about my husband?). Now, I just sound silly. I am on vacation and it is true, just the other day I was thinking about how married we were because we were not holding hands. I am glad to see someone else out there thinks about these things.

[Joelene]

We have been that way for a while and I realized that I like it. there is security knowing that everything is great if he is xboxing and i am knitting in the other room. I rarely hold his hand, and that ok. we might not make out everysecond, but that to me make the little kiss more meaningful. I guess I know the is love in our silence.

But I still think he is the greatest. For me it is less about romance and more about the comfortable place to go home to, in him,

Are you ok with it?

[trudie]

hehehe. boy do i know what you mean. quarters in the saggy pants--beth, i hope you don't mind if i borrow that idea! at first i was sad about things having turned into that, i'm always a sap when it come to any sort of 'old times'. but now i'm like joelene--i find comfort in it. we do try to make time for just us two, and that's a feat in itself around here. i've learned to look for the romance and sweet thoughts in everyday things. that helps me a lot. and things like him showing up with two pairs of converse shoes after i mentioned i had never had a pair growing up (my mom absolutely refused to buy them...) and i just never got around to getting any later on don't hurt either! :)

[blackbird]

K and I have been married 24 years -- and we were never big on Public Displays of Affection.
Take a trip away alone together! it's magic.

[Auntie M]

My husband and I don't hold hand much either. Moving from a dating couple, to a married couple to a married couple with kids... they've all been good phases but the kids often make romance difficult. As long as you are happy...

[Angie]

My in-laws have been married nearly 40 years. They dated from age 16 until they married at age 22. They still hold hands, talk in whispers and laugh at each others jokes. His eyes light up when she walks into a room. She says she still gets butterflies in her stomach when he walks in the door. Her only advice (she rarely gives relationship advice) don't let romance disappear, make time for it and each other. When you walk into their home you can feel the loving atmosphere. It is a great feeling to have surround you. My husband and I have the same thing. I never want it to end. The kids see it as an example and this is what they voice outloud that they expect from the man who wins their heart. I don't think their expectations are too high. We encourage them to give exactly as they wish to recieve.

[Becca]

you still love each other ... that's the great thing ... and we all have to remember to act like it!

[Flare]

Go on vacation and have hot, monkey sex!

My husband and i are going through the same things too... just need to renew things a little. Everything is fine! When I notice that we're not holding hands, I grab his hand and always says how much he loves it when I do that. So, maybe surprise him... and then you will be surprised when he does it back.

Everything that you mentioned is sooooo normal. No worries! We need to get coffee soon and chat!

[Flare]

Or rather smoothies because it's too damn hot for coffee now! :)

[justice]

i guess it's FAMILIARITY. we've been married for 7 years now, add to that the 2 years of cohabiting...we know each other for a total of 9 years!? add to that 3 kids and 2 dogs--definitely time for each other is existing at around 10 pm?
anyway, not doing the romantic things we used to do DOESN'T mean we love each other less. i guess with long-term couples, romance or the ticklish goosebumps must be made...i mean, surprises for no reason, or going away for a weekend---away from the stress of work and all

[coffeegirl]

Make yourself hold his hand. Look in his eyes when he talks to you. If you force yourself to do it, you'll realize how much you actually enjoy it!

[stef]

the honeymoon does NOT have to be over, unless you want it to be. if you're looking for more, communicate that need. sometimes all it takes is telling your hubby what turns you on. it's not even about the sex. but sometimes they need us to tell them exactly what we need. it would help if we found out what they need from us as well. men aren't naturally vocal but with a little prodding.... have you read The Five Love Languages? We all have our different ways of expressing love, but we also have our preferences, what we would like for the people who love us to do/say.