when a pregnancy test is the best aphrodisiac ever
I've been feeling very weird lately. I am constantly starving and crave for pastries and lasagna, I need to snuggle up in my soft blanket and nap every day and I burp and fart a lot especially around 5pm. very suspicious you would say? exactly. so when I asked my husband to buy a pregnancy test on his way back home from the office, I was a little nervous. I looked at my birth control pills and wondered how often this actually happens. and why this happens to me.
I don't want a third child. I can't handle 2. I just can't imagine what a lousy mother I would be with 3. yet when you've had twins people don't stop asking you when you will have another baby. you had them both at once so I guess it doesn't count. they don't ask that to women who went into labor twice. that would be criminal. I don't think about how wondrous welcoming a new baby would be. I don't think of the miraculous. I think practical. the sleepless nights, the teething, the colic. I think 3 more years. I imagine myself pushing a stroller with two toddlers running in opposite directions. what do you do then? what do you do? and right in the middle of frenetic and pessimistic anticipation, I think if I am pregnant the baby is probably due in mid-January. Sean and Will will be 4 then and going to kindergarten most of the day. it will be easier. a whole different world easier. I will have time for me and the new baby to bond. maybe I could even write. and what if it's a girl? what about names? I like Lucy a lot. what if it's a boy? I want a one-syllable name like Sean and Will. Luke sounds nice. but I like Eli too.
"let's have another baby!" my husband said ecstatically as I opened the door to greet him.
"what? are you out of your mind?"
"I've been thinking a lot and just imagine how great it will be to have a large family!"
I know. I want that too, I thought to myself. in my imaginary life we have a minivan and four kids. and the youngest is already 3 at birth.
"I know but what about your business trips? I can't handle three kids alone. you know I'd go crazy. and remember, you've been nothing but courteous or thoughtful while I was pregnant with Sean and Will, I don't want to go through that again"
"I'll be really nice this time, I will take care of you" he swore.
"and what about all the things we'll need to change, the car for example"
"oh, I like that!"
"give me that thing!" I said.
he handed me the little box only after he'd kissed it a hundred times praying "please God! a girl!". I went to the bathroom and locked myself in. I could vaguely hear my husband asking the boys if they wanted a little brother or a little sister, waiting anxiously for the result and asking me to open the door because we had to share this historical moment together.
"are you going to be nice this time?" I asked.
"yes, I promise" he said.
"how?"
"I will do my best to take care of you, everything I can, I promise... is that positive? are we having a baby?"
I opened the door and showed him the stick.
"not this time. I'm sorry."
he was not devastated. just a little disappointed. and I was not as relieved as I thought I would be. maybe I want a third child after all. but I didn't think of that. I thought of this man, my husband, who has put up with my mood swings for the last 8 years and gone through 300 diapers a month and still wants to have a baby with me. he may not remember Valentine's day or Mother's day, even our anniversary but that's enough to prove how much he loves me. at that moment, I felt grateful to have him. and I loved him more than I ever did.
May 11, 2005
Reader Comments (17)
My husband says he's signing up for Iraq if I get pregnant again.
You know sometimes I am wishy washy. I want and another baby then when it might happen I think, oh no, think about no free time, diapers, crying ... So here is what I am doing, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't, we're gonna have some great vacations for two in not-so-many-years-away!
I felt a lot like you when I (whoops) got pregnant with my second child. And by the time he was 1 year old, I was separated from his father, so it wasn't easy. But I would never trade it for anything. It forced me to grow up a lot, and really appreciate what I have. I know it seems so rough, but honestly, it is a wee bit easier the second time around. You have experience to draw from instead of blind instinct.
Someone once told me that "once you have two you might as well have a dozen." It's true. I think that's why you feel overwhelmed so often. Us non-twin mommas had the chance to practice with one before we took on two. You are an amazing mom, and you know what, it's totally okay to freak out and sit on the cold tile floor and beg God for sanity. ;)
I was thinking about your last post and wondering what was going to come around the corner for you, since we never seem to have more thrown at us than we can handle. We break and then something fixes us. I hope you're feeling better now, and that the change in perspective does you good. Maybe after thinking about three, two will feel like a relief. And of course remembering why your husband is so great never hurt anyone.
Well, maybe when you are both ready, the third baby will come.
I got your message on my blog ... but your email is not working through Blogger (no big surprise there these days!). Could you email me at the above address so I could respond by email. In the meantime, I am praying for you and your son ... for your peace and comfort and his healing (and I think it is so cool that Pamela is too .. she visited my blog after you left your message).