the one where I need a donut pillow

my house is brimming with cheerful fuss. the boys laughing loudly, a laugh of unblemished joy, and racing through every room with the restless thrill of birds preparing to migrate. leaving shadows and trails of unshakable happiness. so grand it is almost as if I could finger them.

lately my days are like this. busy but flecked with moments of unpredictable beauty. and yes, desperate attempts at relieving hemorrhoid pain. yet I can hear it pang. and fret. my heart. struggling to satiate a longing for a sense of spiritual connection. for a life rich in its evocation of love, and devotion. for wholeheartedness. for approval. and guidance.

I miss God.

Comments

[Pink Rocket]

God has never left; you've just drifted. I think you're struggling to find a connection to Him that you haven't lost, though you think you have. Everyday is a blessing and He's given you all that. Going to church, reading the Bible, and quoting scriptures are not only what makes you close to God. Being close to Him is praising His name is many ways throughout your day and praying. Our lives are busy, filled with things that He would find minuscule, and we forget sometimes to stop and seek His guidance. You've taken the first step to "finding" Him again; you've admitted that you need Him. It only gets better from here.

I hate to say this but me writing this has made me realize how much I've drifted and how much I need Him back in my life. I know we talked about this earlier but putting it in words...it just speaks louder. Irene, thank you. God bless you my friend.

[liz elayne]

I think you are seeing the spiritual in all of these moments. when you have a couple of moments of quiet (at least i hope you might have one or two), try to spend some time just noticing the space that you create with your breath. This space. The space you create around your heart. I belive this is where the spiritual lives inside of us. The space where we may hear god whisper to us.

[Elaine]

I'm not much of a "God" person, but I know what you mean. Lately I have been longing for community, people I can touch and sit with, rather than type and blog with. Being with Krystyn crystallized that for me, reminding me how good it feels to sit in sisterhood. It seems so very hard to make these connections in the "real" world.

I guess I don't really have anything to offer other than a promise that you are not alone. Let me know if there is anything I can do. And when I scrape up enough money, I'm coming to visit!

[jenny vorwaller]

one thing i know about Him, (and i do believe) is that the times when i thought that He was farthest away from me, or me from Him...

were the times that He really took care of me, and I could only tell when i looked back.

:)

[Ninotchka]

wow. so profound yet familiar. you always know how to poignantly put into few words what most of us spend days (months? years?) pondering.

[Marilyn]

Since I'm not one for organized religion, when I feel like this it's because I'm feeling dis-connected...that what I'm really seeking is a sense of connection and community. Sometimes I even go to a church to find it. Sometimes I feel it in nature. Sometimes I find it through supportive friendships. Sometimes I find it in the eyes of children...or in the feel of little arms thrown unconditionally around my neck. Sometimes I find it by burying my face in the side of J's neck. For me, all of these things are 'god.' It's like I have a beautiful golden cord extended from my heart that I often let dangle and drag on the floor...but in those moments when I plug in and reconnect, I'm reminded that 'god' lives inside of me...all I have to do is open myself to the connection of it.

[Chris]

*hug* I've never looked for or found God, but there is a spiritual thirst for something, whether it be god or goddess or just contentment in self and life of self.

[Cindy]

The beauty of life and all its amazing wonders are a constant reminder that there is the presence of a Higher Power at work. Spiritual enlightenment is the torch that keeps me focused and grateful for all that is happening in my life...be it good or bad. To me, faith opens the door to a life of blessings and gratitude so it is a top priority to me.

[kassi]

I hate that feeling of being disconnected from Him. Even if I know logically that He is always with me, my feelings get in the way. But just know you aren't alone. Not by Him, and not by us.

[Erin (Erin-erin-bo-berin)]

Once you give your heart to God, He holds you in his hand forever. I recently shared this analogy with my husband: 'When you are holding your daughter's hand, she can run in any direction in an attempt to escape, but you have been entrusted to keep her safe. You will not let go, no matter what your daughter does to break free.'
Scripture says that God holds us in the palm of His hand. I think no matter how far I run in any direction, he's still holding my hand, keeping me safe.

[Heather]

My heart goes out to you, because I feel the same (about God, not the Hemmoriods :) I want more, I want to feel those things you listed, and just don't. Why is it so hard for my to connect to God, to read my bible, to make time for him, I can feel my heart and soul aching for it. I understand what you are saying. Sorry about the hemmoriods, had em, don't want them again.

[blackbird]

perhaps you could start by sitting in the quiet and lighting a candle...

[la vie en rose]

just look in the mirror girl! god is looking back!

[wordgirl]

I miss God, too. Unfortunately She/He gets too easily lost in the refuse of fundamentalist dogma which foists its subjectively opportunistic agenda on an unsuspecting public. Are you hearing me Tim LaHaye?

God sees you, Irene. You're not alone.

[mama_tulip]

You know when you see the sun streaming out from behind the clouds, kind of jutting down in beams? My mom used to call those "God moments".

[Vanessa]

It's difficult to believe, especially when your ass is hurting, but God's always there for you. Even for people who say things such as "your ass is hurting." I've been having a rough time lately, but I've also been thinking that all this bad stuff is happening for a reason, and only God knows what that reason is. I think He's got a plan for you, too, Irene, and he's watching over you with love.
((((((((Hugs))))))))))

[jess]

Preparation h should be your friend irene. Trust me i know. Plus lots of veggies, raw preferably.

So nice to hear you sounding happier. Is your husband around more? Is the travel in a lull or drifting away?

I never had God so i don't know what to miss.

[Heather P.]

(((Irene))) I too have felt the same way, maybe minus the ass pain. ;) I have felt like He has completely forgot about lil ol me. But I know this isnt true. You will feel Him when you least expect it. In a quiet moment, your hug from Him will come.

[Heather]

Hey Girl - you KNOW I've got an aromatherapy solution for that nasty business, too!