the momster (part II)
while driving home I'm thinking that I could hit my head against the steering wheel until I bleed if only the perspective of pain was not so frightening. I'm crying. and I'm heartbroken. I don't know why and how it all started. I think we adults have the ability to delete the shameful and embarrassing very easily. I would have forgotten too, I think, if only my boy hadn't come to me and hugged me saying "Mommy, I'm scared because you're not happy with me". I become numb. is my heart still beating? I don't think so. the guilt is so harsh that I could almost choke. I don't even know why I yelled at my sons with such fierceness. no matter what they did nothing can legitimate nor justify that. I do not deserve to be their mom. I truly don't. how can I write about the wonders and beauties of motherhood and yet be such a lousy mother most of the time? I have a meeting today I can't avoid so Sean and Will have to spend the afternoon at daycare. I can't wait to go pick them up and hug and kiss them and tell them how much I love them. because I do. God knows I do. I only hope remorse and guilt won't have killed me by then.
Apr 28, 2005
Reader Comments (9)
Also: stop worrying, You are an excellent Mom. Guilt comes with the package.
Have you ever met anyone whose parents never lost it? I have.
He's a guy who cannot handle even the thought that he might have displeased someone and has to be handled with kid gloves. His mother did no favors by containing her frustration. It's good to know that people can get mad enough to yell, but they'll still love you afterwards.
No mom is perfect, it's a pretty sham that I refuse to perpetuate. I am not perfect as a mom. I yell and jump to conclusions and sometimes count ketchup as a vegetable.
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Step two: After you lose it with kids (after you have calmed down, this might take moments or days and that's okay) take the time to explain to your children why you went all batshit. Use your words to show them how their actions made YOU feel.
Then explain why yelling isn't the best way to handle things and no one is proud when it happens, but it does happen and you are sorry it did.
They'll remember that their mom accepted responsibility for her actions, shared her feelings and apologized for doing something wrong. Those are some pretty important life lessons being shown and taught.
Step 3: Grab a babysitter,some girlfriends and some drinks. Mix well and go out and give yourself some free time.
You are a good person working at a tough job. You're doing fine, I saw the bubble pictures!
I do have to stress that you need time away from your children that is not work or running errands, etc. You need grown up time for yourself.
Being the mom is not an easy job. It is the hardest job you will ever have.
You are a good mother. You love your children. It shows. They know it. Some things we dwell on and it has come and gone with the children. Take some of these moments with a grain of salt or a good stiff drink and move on to the next day having learned from the day before.
I do not think it is always a good thing to shelter our children. The real world is not perfect and they will meet people in their lifetime who will not treat them with kindness or manners or respect. They need to develop those skills and learn how to deal with these situations. This is where you are teaching them a lesson. Give your children the tools they need to deal with the real world. Otherwise, living in a very sheltered and perfect place and then going out into the world when mom isn't always there will be a very rude awakening. It may still be a rude awakening even if you have given them the proper tools.
It is a very over used cliche but there is no better way to say it than, "live and learn" and "this too shall pass". I am not making light of your feelings. I learned a very long time ago that those 2 cliches are some pretty good advice.
I have 18 years behind me with one daughter. Am I finished being the mom? No way! I still have so many things to teach her! For the rest of your life you will be the mom and you will have things to teach them. Perhaps one day you will recall your crying fit in the car and use it to make a point with your GROWN sons who will be raising their own children.
Chin up. Find your smile. You love the boys. They love you. It is a great day! :-)
By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working
overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much
time on this one?"
And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to
be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all
replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can
hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a
scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two
hands."
The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way!
And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day.
Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation
that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is
sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so
soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no
idea what she can endure or accomplish."
"Will she be able to think?" asked the angel.
The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to
reason and negotiate."
The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's
cheek. Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that
you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her
pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of
everything! Woman is truly amazing."
And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love
and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about
you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT'S THAT THEY SOMETIMES FORGET
THEIR WORTH.
You are amazing, even when you yell at your boys!!!!!