ping-pong

my husband is back. I seem to be incapable of defusing the tension of the last 14 days of single-parenting. and I thought I was allowed to express my semi-complete depletion of energy. but the man is not responsive. I should not be surprised. but I am. and I hate it. the feeling is daunting but not unfamiliar. it's amazing. my ability at relishing every moment I spend with him with rhapsodic enthusiasm and the next minute wish we had never met. I'm ping-ponging in and out of happy marriage trying not to fall from the perch where I now sit. I was doing so great, wasn't I? squeezing every last drop of juice out of summer and laying down a subtle imprint in my mind of what life is supposed to be like. I thought I had figured it all out. maybe I was too naive. maybe it's just PMS.

Comments

[carol]

Welcome to my world. Ping pong the best way to describe it. My advice. Don't let it go too long...we did and now we have a HUGE mess to clean up. Tell him how you feel after the kids are asleep - or whenever you are alone with him. Make sure he hears you. Expect a lot and you'll get what you need. Don't expect/demand a lot and you'll enable the behavior to continue. (not that I have any strong opinions on this matter!)

[blackbird]

I used to have such big plans for when he returned. I even used to meet him at the airport for romantic renunions (with or without kids) and he would just be in a stupor -- and still wrapping the job up. I would want so much to tell him about my days, my exhaustion. But he was exhausted too and still had much to do.
It took years (!) for me to learn to let him have transition time and for me to realize that being exhausted and providing the port for him to call home was, in essence, my job.
I don't mean to diminish what you do, but I know the truth of it, and it seems like you can fight it, or you can change it, or you can go with it and change the way you think about it.

[Marilyn]

Oh boy, Irene, I really feel for you. I don't have kids in my equation...but I understand the ping-pong dynamic. Sometimes it's hard to understand those wildly fluctuating emotions while we're experiencing them. I know this is going to sound horribly cliched and like a total generalization, but it's been my experience that many men simply don't respond the way women do. I know that probably doesn't help, but I just want you to know that I HEAR you. I hope you can find a way to work through some of these feelings with your husband to a degree that will make you feel like your needs are being listened to and met.

[Crazy Momcat]

Ping pong...what a great way to describe the ups and downs we sometimes go through in marriage. I too am at a ping-pong place in my marriage and my life. I think men sometimes forget that are days are not filled with soap opera watching and bon bons, but more with dirty diapers and complete chaos!

Hang in there! Make sure he lets you have some down time and make sure that time is what you need--be it alone time or time just with him without the kids. Go get your nails done! Take a trip to the libary alone or a long bath and pamper yourself! You've had a long few weeks!

[jakapk]

Irene- I think BB has alot to say- she's been in your shoes- I also think that- your home with childern and waiting for some adult companionship and it sounds like he comes back exhausted from dealing with all the stress he has- it must feel like a big let down for you-but, i would imagine- he doesn't mean it to be-some times in our marragies-we are often not in the same place at the same time and It can feel so overwhelming-there has to be a midddle place where you both can meet- Have faith- you will both find a that place!

[Susie Sunshine]

This sounds like the whole Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus stuff. And there is a lot of truth to it.

That is why the smart women are lesbians.





(Kidding!)

(mostly)

[christina]

I can so relate to that ping pong effect of being nearly simultaneously in love and absolutely the opposite. I agree with Carol though--talk to him. After you've both had some sleep. After the kids have. You are so articulate. So reflective. So clear. Those things can only be an asset in such a conversation.

...and, thanks for sharing. It is strangely comforting to know that its something women feel regardless of circumstance. That it's not just me. Or just pms. Which it isnt.

[Vanessa_AR]

Nope, it's not just the PMS. Men are children. They must be disciplined. Whatever you are not willing to tolerate should be explained and he should follow the rules. YOU do! You are a good wife, a good mother, a wonderful friend, and you deserve to be treated with the respect in which you are entitled.

[Lucinda]

Does your husband read this blog? It seems like that might be a great way to let him know how you feel...

[SAHM]

Can someone tell me how to do it? My husband is on his first business trip to Shanghai (we live in Michigan) for two weeks. It's only the first day and I've been crying all day. We probably won't talk much due to his work schedule and the time change. I feel empty, betrayed and abandoned. So far my son has been tolerable, but he is a VERY active 10 month old. My husband is my only lifeline at the end of the day and the next two weeks seem so daunting to me. All of you have more children and more experience than me... help! What makes the time pass? What makes it livable?

[kt]

SAHM, many new moms (& dads) join baby groups. It gives parents an outlet, while at the same time being social time for your child(ren).

Anyone else?

[mark]

its not just you girls who get the ping pong us males do sometimes as well, I do especially at the moment as my partner is pregnant with our first child and she is all over the place.

I love some of your photo's and will be a frequent reader from here on in.

check out our blog
www.markwyld.blogspot.com

mark

[jean]

Communicate your feelings and ideas now. Find a time when you are both in a good mood and calmly state what you are going through. Don't let frustration or anger about what's happening make you bitter -- get it out of your system soon in a non-confrontational way.