morning glory

my brain is assailed by a horde of thoughts. a million things. things that need to be cleaned and ordered. things I have to do immediately and in a couple of days. things I have to buy at the grocery store. I feel like a domestic appliance.

I never roll over his side of the bed when I sleep alone. I don't even take his share of the duvet. it is as if leaving his side unoccupied could create the illusion of his physical presence. it is the ultimate evidence that a husband and a father do live in this house. and I need this. at 6.20 every morning, my boys invade and besiege the now big enough for the three of us bed. in fairness to my two kids I'm sandwiching between them. when you have twins, equity is a noble obsession. some days though, they have trouble falling back asleep. they toss and turn and rearrange the pillow and sight of exasperation like a couple of insomniacs. I pat their back mechanically. then consciously. and I marvel at the maternal intuition behind this simple gesture of the hand.

then my kid usually holds my hand, not just my index finger, he carefully grabs my whole hand in his tiny fist and press it against his chest. and then everything quiets. he’s asleep. I snuggle up against his back and feel secure by the steady sound of his heartbeat. at this point, I don't know who is comforting who. this moment gives meaning to everything. and everything is perfect. daylight is creeping into the room, soothing my tormented mind. questions vanish. doubts, fears, even my mother's criticizing voice disappears. the most beautiful thing is that I don't have to be firm, playful or perfect. I am allowed to just be. my imperfectness is glorified. and I'm loving the whole world and myself more than ever.

Comments

[kb]

Sweet post. That must be an awesome feeling.

I'm afraid I can't say the same. When my sweetie is gone, my sleep position is like I'm doing a grand belly-flop in bed!

[carol]

Irene, you are a great writer. I've had those same moments but never could have explained them as well.

[Joelene]

Yes, I agree you are a great writer, you express things perfectly.

Heck I hog the bed and duvet even when my husband is around. We spend most of the night pushing each other around. I find that when he is gone I enjoy the extra space, because even if I am lonely at least I can have the whole freaken bed, with Vito of course. Sometimes that makes me feels better.

[Angie]

I scoot over to my husband's side and snuggle my face into his pillow. Just smelling him makes his presence seem real.

I always let my kids climb into bed (my ex hated it). I like the cuddles of soft warm wiggly bodies.

[coffeegirl]

You and I truly are kindred spirits. I can't tell you how many times I get insomnia and climb into Aiden's bed to fall asleep to his heartbeat... it's moments like you've described that make me wonder what sort of good karma I've earned in a past life...

[trudie]

i was discussing with my husband and father-in-law ages ago about how it's a great thing to be able to have a moment and be able to look back at it and remember it and relive it, etc. but it's an even greater and much more powerful thing to be in one of those moments, and to be able to realize what it is and fully experience and appreciate it. i think one of the best things that comes along with parenthood is awareness. of everything, really. you are doubly lucky to be able to express it so well! :)

[Flare]

Wow, that is so sweet..talk about being at home.

I love the way you write, it just seems so easy for you... you're so lucky! Glad I found you! It's so easy and a pleasure to read you.

[Marilyn]

Beautiful post, Irene. Not just the feelings...but also the way you expressed them.