as comforting and soothing as a super-soft, oversized sweatshirt on a chilly day

we've unpacked the last boxes, wiped floors and organized shelves. we no longer feel compulsively elated nor emptied and exhausted. we don't have internet access or white, beautiful cupboards in the kitchen yet. but we play loud music and eat fresh cherry tomatoes every day. and Sean and Will are officially known as the kids with the blue booger wall. yes, we are starting to feel like home.

these past few weeks though I woke up in the morning feeling little pangs of failure. my life seemed to blur at the edges. English grammar had never been more abstruse. I didn't know how to silence my fears. fear of not being able to do what I really want to. that I will never be good enough. that I don't matter.

one morning I opened my eyes and watched the sun rise behind the pink shaded leaves of a tall oak tree. my new favorite thing. the capacity to be gentle with myself slowly growing into my conscious mind, I opened this book and read this quote:

"we have to build slowly. this is kind consideration. we acknowledge who we are in the present moment and what we need in order to continue (…) we never graduate from first grade. over and over we have to go back to the beginning. we should not be ashamed of this. it is good."

I sat at my desk and began to write. freely. senseless sentences. with no punctuation or direction. my need to write and share and tell a story getting bigger than my fear of failure. bigger than me. and I remembered. the little pleasures I shelter under my raincoat so that I can continue to create through moments of doubt. every time I compare myself with others, feel vulnerable and think that my writing sucks.

exploring flea markets and antic shops, gardening, reading. stop wearing my watch and knitting baby hats. fingerprint drawing with my sons.

and I remembered. that life has very little to do with being as talented, creative and successful as I wish to be. but is really about being who I am supposed to be now. and love and respect myself for that.

Comments

[Chookooloonks]

Amen, honey, alleluia, amen.

[kristen]

Wonderfully true. It's so easy to compare ourselves to the dreams we had pre-kids, pre-where we are right now. This was good for me to hear today.

[Big Pumpkin]

You are doing a wonderful job raising not one child but TWO !!! How amazing is that????!!! And believe me, your kids and your husband think that you're a beautiful, beautiful person.....because you are.

[Vanessa]

I understand the lack of confidence thing, but there's NO NEED for it where you're concerned. You are a beautiful writer, Irene!

Glad to read that you're settling in, too!

[Ronica]

Wow! Abstruse! I had to look that one up--didn't even know it was a word, much less what it meant. You continue to amaze me.

You Rock, Momster. Totally.

[Ninotchka]

Exactly!

[carol]

You are a great writer - hard to believe that English is not your first language.

Congrats on settling into the house. Now school will start and you can focus more on your self and acceptance. Accepting that you are young, talented and beautiful. Look how much you have at your age!

you are great.

[samantha]

Now I will have to go look up abstruse.

I'm so happy that you're enjoying HOME. You are exactly where you need to be - you won't be here forever, but just for now. So enjoy the sun shining through the trees, and don't forget to eat some chocolate. For good measure, of course.

[Waya]

Although I'm a fairly new reader to your blog, I am in awe at your creative writing, Thanks to your reply to my email...I could have never figured out what to do with my blog.

[Charmaine]

So true, Irene and exactly what I needed to read before turning in for the night. Thank you, again, for sharing. Glad you're feeling settled in your new home. I'm ready for a little of that here. ;)

[Chris]

Irene, your writing does not suck. It is brilliant and moving and dancing on the edge of surreal. Really, what could be better?

[Elaine]

I love coming here and reading your words. They open me up to so many images and ideas, I am inspired. Keep starting over. We'll all keep reading and saying "yes".

[krista]

that was nice. and you're right.

[bella]

I'm glad you guys are getting settled. Your words here were so amazingly true Irene.
Keep writing, senslessly. Keep watching sunrises. Keep eating tomatoes. Keep smiling.

[Wendy]

You are SO right, Sister!

[jess]

irene, i love you. your writing is amazing and takes me to the exact place where you are. i can even imagine the smells.

[kassi]

I love over sized sweatshirts on chilly days. Your post is just as wonderful.

[Nancy]

아주 맞다... your words could very well be my own. our writers dreams are precious to our identities, and we musn't allow our insecurities to emprison us. what we'll lose from not writing is larger than what is at risk when we do try & do write...
*heart*
congratulations on all the beautiful, new changes lately!

[Vickee]

Lovely
Poignant
Perfect

Thank you for writing this reminder to live the life you're living.