alone again, unnaturally

my husband came back from his business trip last Saturday at 3am. he hasn't unpacked yet. he needn't. he's leaving on Monday.

I guess when you’re 28 you're too old to weep over life's irritating circumstances. especially when you've been blessed with two healthy children. but I still struggle between my politically correct common sense and my tumultuous emotional self. I can be brave, supportive and cling to life even when it is full of torment. or I can wail, shatter and crumble to the ground. and sometimes choosing between those two is not as simple as it seems to be.

God I hate to be alone.

Comments

[Marilyn]

I hate to be alone these days, too...and it sort of amazes me to say that, since I'm the girl who refused to make any sort of commitment to anyone or anything until I was 40. But in the last 5 years, my boyfriend and I have only been apart 7 nights...and that was only because he was on the next island (when we lived in the Caribbean) playing music. I keep telling him I won't mind if he goes out on the road now that we're back on the mainland, but truthfully, I'm not sure I want to go back to that alone time. So that's all just to say...I hear ya...

[Shannon]

Wow. I'm torn between those personalities as well. I'm a stay at home mom and feel the need to keep myself together, but I'd much rather unravel. I find it to be harder lately to be the stoic, centered person that I strive to be. Hang in there!

[kitcatblue]

Hi momster, I just found your blog and I love it. I've been to Paris a few times and reading expats blogs reminds me of the places I've visited. I'm so sorry you're going to be alone again but take it from me, it could be worse. I'm a military wife, my husband is in the Navy and for the past year and a half he had been in a school in San Diego while I was living about four hours away. Since it was a very difficult medical school we decided that he would live at the school during the week and come home on the weekends (not to mention it saved alot of money on rent, San Diego is expensive!). So my two little boys and I lived on our own and saw him only on weekends, actually dinner Friday night (if we got lucky), Saturday and half a day Sunday. And in the summer, one weekend a month or every other weekend, (because of the heat in the desert where we were living I did'nt want him driving) and he also did'nt come home on the weekends where they had a difficult test coming up that week (which was every Monday for like the first half of that year). So anyway, there were days I cried myself to sleep because I felt that I could'nt do it anymore, I was so tired of being alone, what if the car breaks down, what if I forget to pay a bill, what if one of my son's gets seriously hurt. Not to mention that my father passed away three months into his school and he could'nt come home because he would get dropped from the school, but we did'nt need to worry about that because his father passed away seven days after mine, so he had to drop out making the school he was in even longer. That's when I really lost it, I had to mourn and cry at night by myself after my dad passed because my husband was'nt allowed to come home and comfort me, plus I had to be strong enough to be the one to explain to my boys that they had lost both grandfathers in seven days. I thought "I did'nt sign up to be a single mom!" and then I remembered, yes I did, I knew what my husband being in the military was all about. And then I'd think about how lucky we were that he was'nt in Iraq, at least for now, he's a corpsman that can go off with the Marines at any time, But none the less, there were days that I felt as if I had to hear my boys arguing or if I had to face another monotonous day I would really lose it. We're a family again, even if he does go to work at 4:00 am and comes home in time for dinner (sometimes) and falls asleep at about 7:00 because he's been out in the field all day. At least he's home, right? So, don't worry, it may seem like you just can't take it anymore, but you will, you're stronger than you think, it does get easier. Take it from me!:)

[Seriously Steph.]

I so admire your honesty in your writing. My husband travelled for awhile early in our marriage and it was life-changing for me. Dealing with that lonliness was hard enough, but I didn't even HAVE kids yet! Hang in there and know you have support if you need it from your blog readers/fans...

[Flare]

It is so hard being away from one person you love so much. My husband and I were separated the first year and half of our marriage. God, I think I cried myself every night for nearly a year. Sleeping alone is the hardest thing. I had to learn to lean on the people around me and I wish I had my blog back then because I know that would have been a good outlet for me because now it's such a savior for me. Anyway, just know that you're not the only one who feels like this and if you ever want to get together I'm always up for good conversation and company. :) Hang in there...

[Lynneth]

Irene, I'm actually staring at my pc wondering what to say to you. Loneliness is very hard, I admit but always think on the sunny sides of your life, I'm sure you have plenty. I bet your husband is feeling the same kind of loneliness, what missing out some wonderful things his twins are doing, not to mention an adorable wife. Hang in there...

[Angie]

I wish I had something to offer to make you feel better. I honestly do not know what to say. You are in my prayers.

[Kathreen]

keeping busy is the key, which is easy with 2 kids - but keeping your mind busy with things for you is important too. you'll be alright.

[Becca]

hoping you and the kids stay well ... and your husband comes home soon!

[carol]

Hang in there girl, I'm sure he'll be home before you think you can't handle it one more day. Just think - you probably are strengthening your marriage with all the separation. Chris and I fight more when we've had too much togetherness. (I'm trying to make you feel better...is it working??)

[AnP]

I wish I could say something nice to make you feel better. But, I do not have the words so...

((((hugs)))) hang in there.

[Vanessa_AR]

I've been thinking about you for the past few days and wishing you well. I hope you make the husband take you away for a week after he returns. Feel better and know we all care about you!

[coffeegirl]

Wow honey, I don't know what to say except that I can relate. I see all of these amazing replies here and I wish we could find a way to make us all live closer together to offer some real life support when we're feeling like this. What a great circle of friends.

Hang in there sweetie!

[Auntie M]

Enjoy the weekend with him and try not to think about him leaving on Monday. Good luck while he is gone. It's so hard.

[Michele]

Hang in there, Irene. You have every right to feel sad and miss your husband. When my husband is gone I try to take advantage of it by doing the things I can do when he's not there--you know, watching stupid chick flicks or whatever. Harder with two kids but maybe time for adult time after they're in bed? And keep writing, it's been a great comfort for me to have an outlet and I'm sure it is for you too!