a few things

some days are better, some days are worse.

if you ask me "how are you?" I will answer you honestly. I will not lie and pretend like I am fine if I'm not.

I think about Oliver constantly. it doesn't mean that you shouldn't talk about him or that he's all I want to talk about.

I will never "get over it". get over it.

please refrain from any of the following comments:
"you're so strong"
"it was God's plan"
"you can have another one"
"keep your chin up"
"your family needs you"
"tomorrow is another day"
"smile"
"you can do it" (do what???)

not because they are all untrue but because they do not bring me any sense of encouragement or comfort.

but if you still want to say something say "I'm sorry". because I know you are.

I'm still the same, but I'm profoundly changed. I understand that you might not like who I am now and it's okay. really.

I've made the conscious, mindful choice to not avoid pain. it is very clear to me that there is no way out but through. it doesn't mean that I'm not functional, social, loving, responsible, cheerful, or that I do not seek the help of others when I need to.

time doesn't heal. it helps us get used to suffering, to adjust to living with the pain.

I am a mother of three sons.

Comments

[j. lee]

"We have a tendency, especially in an achievement-oriented culture, to want to solve problems and repair brokenness — to propose, plan, fix, interpret, explain and solve. But what seems to be needed here is the art of presence..."
http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/21/opinion/brooks-the-art-of-presence.html?_r=0

[Ninotchka]

Love you, my friend!

[Emily]

What a beautiful, honest post. Love to you and your family.

[Jenny]

Your post is beautiful, your words so very true. I am so very sorry.

[Jennie]

I more than like you.

I respect and appreciate honesty.

And I am truly, deeply sorry. :(

[H-]

When my infant granddaughter passed away, we heard all of those comments and more. Even "you need to move on". Even lost some friendships, which in my mind were never true friends. I know your pain on an infant/child loss level but Oliver was your son and only you know your grief. Dont ever let anyone define it. I'm so very sorry, Irene. At the end of the day, it just doesn't seem fair. Hugs. Xo

[Irene]

thank you all. xoxo

[Theresa]

I am truly sorry...i will never forget your wise words. i do hope Sean is feeling better..

[Tina Tierson]

I lost my beloved son nearly 24 years ago. He was Marine and perished in a helicopter collision over the Gulf of Oman during Operation Desert Shield, the build up to Desert Storm. You are so very right. There is never "closure." I think Rose Kennedy said it so well when she said, “It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.”

It. Is. Never. Gone.

Sending love.

[Irene]

Tina, I am so, so, so very sorry for your loss.
sending you much love and holding our sons close.

[Katie]

Sixteen years ago, we lost our first son. He was just four hours and seventeen minutes old. We never heard his cry, nor did we ever get to see what color his eyes were. In fact, I lost all sense of visual color. I knew the sky was blue and the sun was yellow, but somehow it didn't register and this lasted for nearly six weeks. What finally saved me were two things: writing letters to our son and watching a heron glide across a mist covered pond early one fall morning. As he glided across the water, the color slowly came back into my world and I could see just how beautiful it was. You will survive this tragedy and loss, but like you said, you will be a different person afterwards. I know I'm different 16 years later than I was that long ago September morning. My heart goes out to you and your family, it really does.

---Katie

[Valérie]

It was almost 13 years ago but some days, it feels like it was just yesterday and it hurts just as much... Il ne se passe pas une journée sans que je ne pense à elle...
"and I want you to know that I am both happy and sad, and I am still trying to figure out how that could be"
Just sending my love...

[Irene]

Valérie: merci beaucoup. so sorry for your loss. holding our babies close.

[Irene]

Katie: thank you so much for sharing your story. much much love to you.